To the Mom who came to my office today,
I can’t get your eyes out of my head. The way you looked at me when you asked,
“Is it my fault? If I hadn’t fed her this way, would we even be in this situation?”
You waited for me to answer. All the while, holding back the waves of guilt that were plotting to consume you.
I fumbled a little. Tried to encourage you. I said something about how it wasn’t really a helpful question. But it is the question that makes your soul ache and it deserves attention. I know because sometimes, I ask it too. “Am I enough? Am I really the mother my child needs?”
It breaks my heart to watch you asking these questions. Because guilt seems to be the common denominator, the chorus that I hear from so many of the moms that I have the privilege to work with. When you feel guilty, you see yourself as simply the sum of all your actions- good or not good enough.
But, do you know what I see?
I see a mom who is resilient. Someone who is not afraid to reflect, evaluate, and try again. Someone who is always working towards better and gathering new tools for the journey at every turn.
I see a mom who is constantly trying to learn her child. To learn what makes her sad, and what delights her. To learn what motivates her and what causes her to retreat to her own quiet space. To learn how to calm her when big emotions take over. To learn why sometimes she refuses to eat when everything in her physical body is screaming for nourishment.
And with everything in me, I know.
You are the right mom for this job.
How do I know? Because you are the one who “gets” your child more than anyone else. You are the one who truly sees her for who she is, and you believe in her fiercely. More than any well-meaning doctor, teacher, therapist, or dietitian. Even when she is mid-tantrum, or is refusing to eat for what feels like the 1000th time. Sure, you get frustrated sometimes. Maybe you even lose your cool and say things you wish you hadn’t. But it doesn’t change the fact that you want her wellness more than anyone else on the planet. And she desperately needs that. More than the perfect meal plan, or the best diet, she needs a Mama who champions her. A Mama who fights through the “If-only-I-hads” and shows up for her child.
And you do. I see it.
So I’m sorry I didn’t have the words when you asked for them today. But hear me when I say “is it my fault?” is just not the right question. Don’t let it distract you from the important battle of today. Let’s work on today and let’s do it together.
Sincerely,
Annie
